conned, or are conning themselves, into what they think they should be doing instead of what they know they should be doing.
I believe the path towards an answer involves each woman examining very deeply and honestly her desires and motivations for becoming a mother. What does motherhood mean to me? Do I want to be a mother at all? If so, when do I really want to be a mother? Is motherhood really my dharma (destiny) or just an outside force I am being drawn into? Am I confusing motherhood with a desire for companionship, as a matrimonial accessory, a set of leg irons for a potentially wandering husband, to stop my parents nagging me about getting grandchildren before they die, to keep up with my girlfriends, to create another image of myself, or to have a human pet? In exactly what sort of relationship do I want to be a mother? With exactly what sort of man do I want to mate? Where would I like to bring up my children so they thrive in a healthy environment? What form do I really want my motherhood to take: home-based, part-time or full time work? Is my ideal the nuclear, the extended or the communal family?
Only you can find the right answers to such questions. It may take years of stripping away the conditionings to get truly satisfactory answers. It takes enormous courage to deal with such issues, and to do so in total honesty, without the subtle psychic interjection of family and social pressures. And, if you eventually realise answers within yourself which do not match what others around you expect of you, you must then have even more courage to go out and enact your hard won realisations. And that can be even harder still!
Through yoga and meditation, a woman considering motherhood can go deeply into her self to discover what is really there – from the most base human instincts to the most divine aspirations. In other words, meditation must be done in search of your true self, and when you find it, you will know if motherhood is a part of your dharma. If you discover in your heart and mind that you are right for this particular vocation, there need never be any future doubts. The word vocation comes from the Latin “voca” and means “to be called”. Is motherhood a calling for you? I believe that anything less than a calling to motherhood devalues not only yourself, but also the growing life you are going to nurture, the extended family you are going to be involved with, the society that the child will be a part of and the planet that the child will be occupying.
Realising a Shared Destiny
So maybe you have realised your own parent-ing destiny. You have realised that you do want to be a mother. Well that only leaves getting together with someone else who is as sure about things as you are. Hmmm, now that's not always so easy! Maybe you have realised your calling and you are currently in a relationship. Are you with a man who links to fatherhood in the same way as you link to motherhood? Yes? No? Maybe? You don't know?!?!
Some people, both women and men, even before they are in a relationship or married, have a good idea about whether or not they want to have any children. They may do a lot of conscious seeking for just the right parenting partner, or they may just luckily come across the right one, or in desperation they may eventually settle for someone who is “good enough”. Some strike out completely and never meet the right mate.
What about the very common situation where each partner ideally wants a different number of children? Maybe she wants 3 but he wants only 1, or she only wants 1 and he wants 4? These sorts of discrepancies will eventually cause friction in the relationship at some level. Most commonly one partner submits into “agreeing” with the other's wishes or else things can lead to eventual breakdown of the partnership. I have tried both – and neither satisfied! The compromise situation is so often the cause of psycho-spiritual tension within a relationship, where one person is unable to be true to themself, ending up living a life that is the creation of their partner. Such internal conflicts can lead to a deeply repressed sexuality and parenthood urge, manifesting initially as a broken down love life, but may eventually develop into a physical illness or even infertility, as that person (of either sex) “holds back” on the natural expression of their egg or sperm.
What is it that brings women and men together for harmonious parenting? Some stay for the long run and others part someway down the track? Is it the same force of attraction which brings couples to have a one-night-stand, a short non-parenting relationship, or a long non-parenting relationship? Are well-matched parents attracted by something in their looks? Do they give off pheromonal messages? Is there some invisible sign on their forehead perhaps? Or does it just eventuate from agreeable discussions during courtship? Some couples meet and their shared destiny for children explodes straightaway whereas others