I hardly spent any time focussing on the baby until, at about 6˝ months pregnant, my conscience was pricked by a close friend who queried my decision to have this child. To her eyes I certainly didn’t seem enthused about the pregnancy, and she wondered about the quality of life the “half-wanted“ child I was carrying was having and would have after his birth. I was shocked, not at what she had said, but at my realisation that my decision to continue with the pregnancy was not enough to be truly happy about it – and that someone else could see that! It was true he was only half-wanted by his parents at the time we decided to “keep him”, and he was still only half-wanted by his mother.
     After that awakening, I then restarted regular yoga practise, gave up work and began to get more focussed on the pregnancy. I started for the first time to make space in my life for this child and to reset my affections into fully-wanting him.
     The birth itself, at 42 weeks, was very quick and uncomplicated, which I would say was due to the fact that he was a fairly small baby. But his size included a lack of development. Late babies are often late because they need that extra time for development. He was a classic “failure to thrive” baby. Poor feeder, frequent crier, poor sleeper, frequent vomiter, bad bowels, spotty and with frequent skin rashes.
     George’s father and I separated soon after his birth, and it then took a number of years of serious lifestyle changes to undo some of the neglect I knew George had suffered. It took much reflection on my part to properly appreciate, that although unplanned, he was not really unwanted, nor in fact unneeded. His arrival was indeed a great catalyst for me to grow up, relieve myself of a decrepit marriage and become more focussed on mothering.
     During his early years, I was often aware of his insecurities and drawn to reflect on his beginnings. Many times I have wondered what effect his unplanned conception, stress-filled pregnancy and fatherless early years have had on him. Was his small size and poor health a product of all these factors? Did he hear in-utero, and become affected by, the discussions and arguments between his parents? Was he absorbing some of my own anxieties and unhappiness during his gestation? Have I made it up to him yet? Such questions are common to many women in similar situations.
     Over the years, rather than dwelling on such feelings of guilt, I have contemplated the reasons and ramifications of it all. I have come to realise not only the importance of conscious conception to every mother and for every child, but also that surrender to an unplanned child actually takes a lot more time and effort than the initial decision might suggest or than one might imagine at that time. Most importantly it has made me aware that unplanned pregnancies have some deeper purpose.
     Since that time when I realised that I still had much to resolve be-tween myself and George, I have often needed to reassure him, not just with words but with actions, that he is indeed a very wanted, loved and valued child. This, I believe, is the greatest medicine for healing a mother can give a child born from an unplanned conception.