such games are not seen as clearly as they might be. And why is that? Because they have already become entrenched into the younger levels of the family and are already operating at home. Mutual opportunism, self-interest and dutiful obligation are often the unspoken motives for many parent-grandparent relationships, and any child will soon pickup on this, identifying themselves as merely a small pawn in the adults' games.
   As children get older, what they need most from older folks is quality time in each other's hearts and minds. The young ones will hear tales of different worlds and times, learn about things which their parents have not yet encountered, and get a bit of background on how their parents came to be the way they are! The children will share with the grannies and grandpas their natural joie de vie, helping to keep the oldies inspired and young at heart.

Siblings and Baby
   I always find it fascinating to hear about the different memories people have of their childhood relationships with their siblings. Some will tell of how their brothers and sisters were their best friends (and still are), and others will tell of constant infighting and the distance which now separates them. I have often wondered what is the cause of these variations. Is it purely the luck of the draw that one gets a nice sister or a nasty brother? Is it, as many believe, the order in which they are born and the age difference between them which establishes some predeter-mined pecking order? Is it to do with the circumstances of material wellbeing, for example status, location and size of house, shared bedrooms, amount of food and toys to go round, etc. Or is it tied up with the way in which early sibling relationships are formed and maintained through the guidance of the parents? Probably a combination of all of the above!
   Given the openness and receptivity of a young baby, the way in which they initially relate to their older siblings must mainly be due to the way in which the older ones relate to them. And how is it that older kids gain their attitudes to the new baby? Partly from their own inborn temperament, and partly from their inbred temperament - that is, the ways in which their parents treat the new baby in respect to the older children, and the older children in respect to the new baby.
   Sibling rivalry is often considered to be "just one of those things kids have to get used to and grow out of", but I really don't believe it needs to be as prevalent as it obviously is. I also don't see much

evidence that kids grow out of it. Negative behavioural traits between siblings which are tolerated within the family dynamic from around the ages of 1 and 2 will invariably continue into the teens - and sometimes even beyond!
   In Chapter 4, in "Relationship of Siblings to the New Babe" (page 211), I discussed ways of avoiding early rivalry between existing children and the arrival of a new baby, and this is surely the best prevention of the situation from the beginning.
   Just as it is for other acquaintances, it is not until after the first 6 months that a baby can consciously begin to relate to a sibling by way of recognition and interaction. After the mother, a young child has the next most recognisable face and voice to a baby. Most young children are fascinated with babies, and babies with them. They both love to spend time amusing each other with smiles and cuddles, but this should always be under supervision.
   An older child is an important teacher for a baby - in both positive and negative ways. Everything they say and do will be copied by the younger child. Every example of order and disorder they manifest; each incident of respect or disrespect they show you; every con or piece of emotional blackmail they get away with will be emulated by the baby in due course. So guiding your youngest one is often a matter of guiding the older ones, as well as a direct result of the ways in which they have been previously brought up. That way you get two outcomes for the effort of one!
   Sibling rivalry and jealousy works in both directions, both up and down the ladder of age. When a baby is young the older kids are reminded of, and desire to recover, that same mother-child intimacy. This can tend to make them regress a bit, maturity-wise. On the other hand, as the younger child grows they frequently aspire to be like their elders, and the ripple down effect, for example different set bedtimes, can cause enormous conflicts. If you ever go through a phase of having two terrible 2 year olds, 2 toddlers, 2 tyrants, as I have done twice, to balance these forces of example and emulation, you will need the energy of Samson plus the wisdom of Solomon to resolve the frequent conflicts of ego and the gradual build up of sibling rivalry - and that's in addition to their own issues with you.
   But don't let me frighten you into thinking that siblings can't live with the greatest of mutual respect and harmony. I have mentioned before the story of how my third girl came a year earlier than I had planned. I know she wanted to come